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There came a time this summer when i was pleased with myself. I was happy to be this person I had become. I was confident of the road I had chosen. I started planning my life to fit my new found self… and so I did.

At a certain point this summer I was at peace. I knew everything. Everything I needed to know anyway. I knew what I wanted to become. I knew what I lacked and I had plans to acquire those skills. I was very sure … I was confident of my next step… at( a certain point in july … I had figured out  my life … I had figured out my self .. I had very few people in my life… I had figured out each and every one of them… I knew how I felt about them and who they were to me… I was content // my world was still… the sea was calm … I thought it was a reward for a big storm I had just come out of// I thought it was the logical conclusion.

July 7th 2016 something felt out of place. That flight was different … the air felt different …the simplicity of it all scared me … something … I don’t know how but I knew … this was different.

July 17th everything has changed.

Chaos! Chaos in my head! Chaos in my family! Chaos in my heart! Chaos in my flight back home…! Chaos …

My life … my destiny … my journey … my decisions … my studies … my dreams … my plans … my friends … where ? How? When? ….. HOW? WHY? HOW …? Will I …?  Can I even … ?

Now what?

Now you get through the day. Now you be the big girl your parents need you to be.

From this point onward you do everything and anything you can to make it easier for them … for anyone else … from now on … you survive …

From that point on … you get through the day … you make deadlines … you hide tears … swallow them before they come up … from then on … You play Big girl!

From that point you pretend you’re Old you! From that point on … you do thing but it’s not you … you do things because they need to be done.

From that point on … someone decides to add a couple of years to your age without asking for your permission. Now you need to act your new age.

From that point on … you don’t get to act on feeling … from that point on you put on the face you need to have with each person.  Some need the smiley “I’m doing great” face. When you talk to your mom on the phone, you go through all you’ve lived to come up with the best events to recite to her. She needn’t worry, you can play grown up well enough.

You smile through the phone and pray and beg she doesn’t pass the phone to your little brother…  You miss him too much … you don’t want to hear his voice … You don’t want to hear that he misses you… it HURTS … you hate that he’s somewhere out there and he may forget about you; how you love him more than any other little man alive … You hang up … it kills you to hear the voices of your family in a home far from where you all used to be Home…

You keep yourself from crying. What good is crying? And who has time for that anyways …? Crying requires explaining… Better avoid it …

You run around, everywhere and anywhere … much is to be done…

Every deadline you make relaxes you a little … it means you’re doing well as a ‘grown up’ …

You’re too exhausted to feel … it’s been hard … but you wouldn’t know … you never stopped to really look at what has happened and how you feel a/bout it all …

“This little scribble is a result of a night when I had to study but couldn’t  … I couldn’t because something was buried inside and it had to come out … I’m using ‘you’ in the whole text because I imagined myself as someone else and I looked at my life from the outside .. It was the only way for me to see…Truly see … “

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