New situation..?

This year, i have changed universities and came across a new situation. Because i am a different person then i used to be and because the change happened so quickly, I hadn’t thought about this side of the story when i started my journey … Now that i have lived through some of it … i finally got the courage and the confidence to talk about it … From my point of view … So here are some scribbles that ThisDzGirl wants you to read …

I have been spending a lot of time alone lately my friend. This is the first time in my life that this happens. I usually almost instantly find a way to fit in and surround myself with so-called friends.

This time, however, for some reason I do not want to! I do not want friends, I run from formal and polite protocols. I act as naturally as I am in complete disregard to the rules of social conduct, I made sure to be entirely free in what I want to do, say and react.

This has resulted in isolation. People’s reactions are different to my sincerity of being. Some enjoy it, they take it as an open invitation to do the same, out of about a hundred people with whom I interacted recently in my classes, and only two specific guys reacted with the same amount of openness, sincerity and goodness of heart.

Some people do not like it. I can feel it in their reaction, their looks and their words. I could never blame them. I was one of them. I used to be a person so closed that I would consider any sincerity as rude. I guess we hate anyone being so honest because deep down we wish we could do the same. I used to think that rules of social conduct and ‘how a girl needs to be’ are a sacred amendment that women signed at some point of their existence. Not to ever be broken.

Yet! The worse are the doubters, when I come up to you, smile and ask you to give me your notes for a minute though I never spoke to you before, and you only saw me once in class, I HONESTLY just need your notes for a minute!

No I am not going to kill you and No! I am not flirting with you… I have had this reaction so many times that I fear for honesty in our youth. Now I’m exaggerating but I truly cannot figure out, for the life of me, what to think of this!

Sure, I know the rules, I know how I should be. Older women in my family have yelled at me for walking too fast or moving too much or speaking too loud and smiling needlessly. But we’re all grown-ups here, we don’t need to listen to our grandmothers (except when it comes to food then they’ll always be the person to go to!). We know how to be and we (supposedly) know how we want to be. My smile is something I like to wear with everyone, it is good for my health and people’s and it helps my account with Allah, please do not make an ugly thing out of it!

Most my reactions and behaviors are ones I chose for myself. Until this day I still keep choosing them according to my knowledge and judgment. You can choose yours too! You do not need to copy anybody’s and if you choose to do so then, please do it for valid, well though reasons.

I may have strayed a bit out of topic right there…

Well my friend, being where I am, I struggle to be who I am… with every harsh suspicious look I get and every person avoiding me and every ‘NO!’, I doubt myself … I doubt my goodness, I doubt my honesty, .. I wonder … would it be easier if I were like everyone… if I just stopped myself … from all the ‘wrong thing to do’s  … If I, now, started considering my grandma’s instructions on ‘How a Girl should be’??

….

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