He hates me

I miss him

He hates me

I miss him in his words and his everything…

I miss him to the point of no return

I miss him

He hates me

He did not forgive

He does not care

And even if there would have been a little side to him that still softens at the mention of me

He would shut it down in a second…

He hates me now

The man I loved most

Now hates me

 

It has been years since I used my power and intelligence to hurt someone on purpose

And the last person I did this to was also someone who meant the world to me

For some reason, only when the person is very close to me that I lose control

That I let my heart take over

That I let my mouth run its course …

When they hurt me …

I do not wisely rise above ….

I love them too much …

I hurt them back with their worse fear …

I tell them what they would dread most to hear …

Some sort of way to prove how much I actually know them, how I do not fear them … how maybe they didn’t hurt me as much as they would think …

I can do that …

To the people I love the most …

Contradiction it may be but …

That is how it was when I loved her …

And she let me hurt …

That is what happened when he forgot to love me first…

That is what happens when I let myself love … this much …

I am so sorry …

I am so sorry for this part of me …

 

You are harsh …, you are hard to be around, and you are impossible to understand …

But… I loved you… I love you still … I couldn’t understand … why? How? ….

Now …

Simply … I miss you …

I miss everything and anything …. I miss you so bad …

It confuses me how far my mind goes …

How far it goes imagining all kinds of scenarios where you would once again look at me

Where you would once again hold nothing against me

Where you would once again trust me

My conscious suffers …

My heart breaks and my mind is tiered …

I miss you my friend …

I miss our moments and the situations only we can find ourselves in …

I miss your smiles and jokes… I miss proving you wrong

I miss the faces you make …

I miss the stories only you can tell …

I miss the ways only you can make me feel …

I miss the places we went together …

At 2 am, no one would catch us …

We both feel guilty…

We both have to wake up early

But who cares? We are young and it is only tonight …

Like every night this week … just you and me …

 

I want to go back to the night I analyzed your face …

The time I went through your profile …

The time I heard about all of sports you ever tried …

The time you laughed at the idea of me having once been a ballerina …

The simplicity of saying hi? The easiness of a harmless cruel insult and the times you tried to care about my feelings …

Even better, the time you stopped caring …

I scroll down every picture we shared ….

How careless we were …

How beautiful it was … how easy it could be …

 

I miss you being stubborn…

I miss you laughing at my troubles …

I miss myself laughing my troubles away with you …

I miss you ….

Simply … Entirely … Endlessly … hurtfully ….

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